On June 5 I began my journey to Boston to start a new job and possibly new life. I’ve named my journey “Breaking Boundaries,” as I am physically breaking boundaries by crossing state boundaries and I am breaking figurative boundaries — attempting to break out of my way of thinking and doing things. More than anything, it’s a journey to discover what I really want to do and what gives me joy. It’s a difficult journey, but I need to do it. I need to experience it — even if it reduces me to tears every other day.

My journey -- Breaking Boundaries (Photo by Rafael Gomes)

My journey -- Breaking Boundaries (Photo by Rafael Gomes)

My life in Florida as it was, was holding me back. I was confined to a certain role that was too small for me, too restricting. During the past six months I thought long and hard about how to change it. I decided to go back to the place that has always made me feel happy — Boston. I created a plan and fulfilled it — got a full-time job and have relocated there. Don’t ever let it be said that I can’t do what I say I’m going to do. But now that I’m here in this life, I’m questioning it. Actually, I started questioning the decision when I started packing, and several times during the drive north considered turning back, but I am going ahead with it to learn if my fears and doubts are true or if happiness truly resides here.

As I start my second week of work, I am feeling a slightly better about the change. However, when I stop and think about everything that’s going on, I feel fear deep in my stomach like the bottom is falling away bit by bit, I’m on edge, and I’m often on the verge of tears.

I question whether a full-time job that requires me to be in an office for nine hours a day is right for me. I question whether I can work such a job and care for my daughter if she lives here with me. I fear that having such a job means losing quality of life, as I have little to no time for social activity. I fear getting trapped in a job and losing my creative outlets. I wonder if my return to the Boston area is an attempt to relive my previous life here.

To add to my concerns, I still have my divorce and the issue of my daughter’s custody hanging over my head. Neither has been decided. While I consider what is good for me, I also think about what is best for my daughter. The divorce will proceed, but the conditions shouldn’t be so severe that they negatively affect her. He won’t move to be close to her, and I can’t bear the thought of her living so far away from me.

While I struggle with those things, I am extremely happy to be near my friends and family. They are my support system, and they cheer me on. I need to focus, however, on enjoying my time with them and not let my worries distract me. I need to live the moments, which is something I always have a hard time doing. I can plan the most amazing events, parties, and vacations, but once it comes time to live them and enjoy the fruits of my labor, I’m rarely able to do so. Worry seeps in, and I want to busy myself with planning the next thing. I never fully experience events currently occurring in my life.

I may not know what the end of the summer will bring, but I know that I want and need to enjoy all the moments leading up to that. And if autumn finds me having to bring my daughter back to Florida, then I need to live and fully experience that journey as well — not rush through it.

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