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On June 5 I began my journey to Boston to start a new job and possibly new life. I’ve named my journey “Breaking Boundaries,” as I am physically breaking boundaries by crossing state boundaries and I am breaking figurative boundaries — attempting to break out of my way of thinking and doing things. More than anything, it’s a journey to discover what I really want to do and what gives me joy. It’s a difficult journey, but I need to do it. I need to experience it — even if it reduces me to tears every other day.

My journey -- Breaking Boundaries (Photo by Rafael Gomes)

My journey -- Breaking Boundaries (Photo by Rafael Gomes)

My life in Florida as it was, was holding me back. I was confined to a certain role that was too small for me, too restricting. During the past six months I thought long and hard about how to change it. I decided to go back to the place that has always made me feel happy — Boston. I created a plan and fulfilled it — got a full-time job and have relocated there. Don’t ever let it be said that I can’t do what I say I’m going to do. But now that I’m here in this life, I’m questioning it. Actually, I started questioning the decision when I started packing, and several times during the drive north considered turning back, but I am going ahead with it to learn if my fears and doubts are true or if happiness truly resides here.

As I start my second week of work, I am feeling a slightly better about the change. However, when I stop and think about everything that’s going on, I feel fear deep in my stomach like the bottom is falling away bit by bit, I’m on edge, and I’m often on the verge of tears.

I question whether a full-time job that requires me to be in an office for nine hours a day is right for me. I question whether I can work such a job and care for my daughter if she lives here with me. I fear that having such a job means losing quality of life, as I have little to no time for social activity. I fear getting trapped in a job and losing my creative outlets. I wonder if my return to the Boston area is an attempt to relive my previous life here. Read the rest of this entry »

It is time. It is time for me to give up on what my life has been and what I thought it would be. I’m a 41-year-old mother of one who is in the middle of divorcing her husband of 12 years and was recently laid off from her employer of nearly nine years. This is not how my life was supposed to be.

Ready or not, my life is in the midst of huge changes.

The decision to divorce
About a year ago I decided that I couldn’t continue in a marriage that gave me little to no happiness. And it isn’t because he’s a bad guy. In fact, he’s a really nice guy — everybody thinks so — which makes it even harder. We just don’t see things the same way, and I’m tired of making concessions. I’m tired of giving in to him and his desires at the cost of losing mine.

What’s strange is that we think the same about many things — politics, parental issues, music, movies, etc. But when it came down to significant life issues, he wouldn’t budge. I wanted more than one child; he said no. For years I said I wanted to move back to New England; he said no. I wanted him to be my partner in the marriage and help make decisions; he passive-aggressively said no by waiting for me to tell him what to do.

Time to stop worrying about change

Time to stop worrying about change

I became increasingly unhappy, and he started telling me that I’m difficult and crazy for not liking my/our life. He doesn’t acknowledge my feelings, my way of thinking, or my desires. But he “put up with me” and says no one else will be able to.

I probably shouldn’t have married him. I should have carefully looked at all of his qualities and then made a decision. But I was young (22), impressed by his being a musician and his looks, fell in love, and rushed in. And once in, I told myself that was that. I’m a child of divorce, and years ago I promised myself I would never get a divorce, especially if I had children. But now I have to break that promise. Staying in this unhappy marriage isn’t good for anyone. And I’ve discovered that there are people who acknowledge my feelings and accept me and all my quirks — they like and even love me and don’t just “put up with me”.

Career crisis
Complicating my life further, on Dec. 11, 2008, I was laid off from my job as editor in chief of a website owned by an IT media company. I had given my blood, sweat, and tears to that company for almost nine years. I helped build that company and went along with all the changes a company goes through, bending like the branch of a willow tree whenever the managers decided to switch things up. I volunteered for projects, I took on additional responsibilities when asked by my managers, I sacrificed some of my ideals in order to appease people because I believed it would help the team, I created and grew websites that brought in thousands of ad dollars. And I was rewarded by being let go. I, and 76 others, was eliminated. Read the rest of this entry »

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